Run

This is one of my favorite pictures of all time of my sister and I....

Lately, my heart has been extremely heavy and full of fear and worry for what is to come in my life. On top of trying to balance my busy schedule of work and school trying to find quality time to spend with my sister before her transplant has been next to impossible. Which has made me feel very empty inside, and really question my own motives---that if something were to happen to her, did I do the best I could to show her how much she is loved, and did I do my best to be there for her regardless of our disagreements and differences? My answer to myself is probably not all of the time, but finding margin in my life is a constant battle.

I wanted to write about my experience last night at the Freedom event at Lifechurch. I had asked Laurann to go with me a few nights ago, I just really felt like God was telling me, "Hollee, this is important...". Normally I am not as persistent about Laurann not bailing on me when we have plans, but I honestly don't think I would have given her a chance not to go....I think I would have just went in an physically carried her skinny little butt out to my car :). But she came willingly and off we went. I think it is crazy how Worship can bring you to your knees...I mean I could feel God's presence, and could barely muffle the words to the song because tears were streaming down my face. Laurann sat down during worship because I thought maybe she was feeling weak, but I looked down and noticed she too was crying....I thought that was awesome how we both felt God so strongly in that moment....I am not a touchy person, I am probably the last person to shell out hugs, even when I know someone needs them...It is not that I don't want too, but I always feel awkward...which is something I have been trying to work on...I wanted to bend down and pray with her, but I knew that nothing would come out but tears, so I just placed my hand on her shoulder, and began praying for her and thanking God for this moment...such a small moment in time, something Laurann might never think twice about, but me---this is one of those memories I will cherish forever. A moment where I felt complete peace with my relationship with my sister and hope for what was to come.

The message was something of great worth too--I think each of the four girls I went with and my mom probably all left with a different perspective on what freedom was to them...I have realized that I too, am far from being free, but I am determined to start walking in FAITH.... and remembering this verse..." Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" Philippians 4:8...instead of focusing on fear, worry, negativity...I am going to try to focus on ONLY good and start rejecting all other negative Trash....this will be a hard battle that will require a lot of practice.

My family has been heavy on my heart with the transplant coming up on Tuesday...Sometime's I find myself getting angry at people who say they are "sick". Because I find myself comparing them to Laurann, and become frustrated by their lack of joy and gratefulness of good health. I think sometimes forget how blessed they truly are.

After the message last night, they called women leaders down to the front to pray, and my mom, sister, and I attempted to have a family prayer and have Amy pray over Laurann, but I think because of Laurann's bald head we were bombarded by strangers reaching out their hands to pray with us! I was so excited! and so moved by God's goodness!!! Then I started to see familiar faces crowd us too and was greeted with warm words and hugs and encouragement, and when we left I could totally feel that God had moved in our lives.

I remember two years ago when I found out the first time about Laurann having cancer, I was driving home from the hospital alone, and the song Run- by Snow Patrol came on my ipod, and I remember I just started screaming....as crazy at that was, I guess it was the only way for me to express all of the chaos that had just spun into our life....

So here we are again, on a different journey, praying, and having faith that God will provide healing and peace for all of us.

The fish and the minnow....

Do you ever feel like you are literally watching life pass you by? Lately, I have been feeling like I am trapped. To best describe my life, I am the sick little girl watching all of her friends jump rope from the window because my mom says, "I am too sick to play. outside.." Only this is not really my reality--- because one, I am not sick, and two, my mom does not make rules for me anymore. I just totally feel the weight of the world weighing on my shoulders, and feel like there is no one to lift the weight. In the past couple of months I have been taking 19 hours of school, working 20 hours, trying to plan a wedding, trying to be a friend--mostly failing miserably...trying to be a sister---again mostly failing, and trying to force myself to crawl out of bed each morning.

I think sometimes in trying to explain how you are feeling about things, people only genuinely relate if they are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time.

Maybe I am good at expressing things that upset me, and mostly I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but at the same time my mind is always churning--and thinking about all that lies before me, and all that is yet to be done...

This makes me question, why is it so hard for me to just enjoy the moment I am in? Lately, I honestly wish (selfishly), that I did not have so much going on in my life. Not only am I so disgusted by the fact that my sister has to endure "Cancer" again, but (selfishly) wish that it were any other time besides the year I am supposed to be getting married. I wish that I had paid closure attention to friendships I have invested myself in lately and been more cautious, and I honestly wish that I was more like the person I was two years ago...

Two years ago, I would have chosen a beer over doing my homework or stressing about a test, Two years ago, I would chose to spend time with my best friends over sleeping. Two years ago, I would have found the time to paint my toenails. Two years ago, I would have never thought twice about having more than one drink and driving my car. Two years ago, I was obviously more immature, but I was not such a stick with an inability to just sit, relax, and have fun.

When did everything change?

The word Fun seems completely stripped of my vocabulary. I see alot of stress and work ahead of me....

I feel like it is just storming in my life, and I am outside without an umbrella....
I miss my old best friend.
I miss when life wasnt stressful.
I miss when I had more fun.