Do you ever feel like you are literally watching life pass you by? Lately, I have been feeling like I am trapped. To best describe my life, I am the sick little girl watching all of her friends jump rope from the window because my mom says, "I am too sick to play. outside.." Only this is not really my reality--- because one, I am not sick, and two, my mom does not make rules for me anymore. I just totally feel the weight of the world weighing on my shoulders, and feel like there is no one to lift the weight. In the past couple of months I have been taking 19 hours of school, working 20 hours, trying to plan a wedding, trying to be a friend--mostly failing miserably...trying to be a sister---again mostly failing, and trying to force myself to crawl out of bed each morning.
I think sometimes in trying to explain how you are feeling about things, people only genuinely relate if they are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time.
Maybe I am good at expressing things that upset me, and mostly I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but at the same time my mind is always churning--and thinking about all that lies before me, and all that is yet to be done...
This makes me question, why is it so hard for me to just enjoy the moment I am in? Lately, I honestly wish (selfishly), that I did not have so much going on in my life. Not only am I so disgusted by the fact that my sister has to endure "Cancer" again, but (selfishly) wish that it were any other time besides the year I am supposed to be getting married. I wish that I had paid closure attention to friendships I have invested myself in lately and been more cautious, and I honestly wish that I was more like the person I was two years ago...
Two years ago, I would have chosen a beer over doing my homework or stressing about a test, Two years ago, I would chose to spend time with my best friends over sleeping. Two years ago, I would have found the time to paint my toenails. Two years ago, I would have never thought twice about having more than one drink and driving my car. Two years ago, I was obviously more immature, but I was not such a stick with an inability to just sit, relax, and have fun.
When did everything change?
The word Fun seems completely stripped of my vocabulary. I see alot of stress and work ahead of me....
I feel like it is just storming in my life, and I am outside without an umbrella....
I miss my old best friend.
I miss when life wasnt stressful.
I miss when I had more fun.
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