Growing up I was convinced that my life was going to turn into a fairy tale. A very distinct memory of my childhood brings me back to this fantasy. When I was about 7 years old I had gone to visit my biological Dad for the summer. At his home, he lived on a long dirt road that led to "Horseshoe Bend" which had a couple of trailers and a lake. My dad lived close to a lady who had a beautiful garden of sunflowers...Well me being the imaginative and lonely child that I was...had always wanted to run through a field of flowers, and pick them as I was running like I had seen in the movies....This was the first and only time in my life that I have ever attempted a stunt like this....I remember having tangled hair, overalls on, and the dirt that covered my feet as I ran arms opened wide pulling up everyone of the neighbor's sunflowers....To my amazement, it was nothing like the movies. Yes, it was really fun to pull them up as I ran, but it was not as glamorous as the movies. I didn't giggle the whole way, and the wind did not magically blow my hair whimsically, and that moment did not last as long it does in the movies. In a matter of 10 seconds I had ripped up all of this poor lady's sunflowers, it was not like a day long adventure that some movies portray....

Needless to say, this moment in my life is the moment that I realized how different life is from the movies...How different Life is from fairy tales...I honestly wonder, Why did I believe these silly stories? I can look back at this seemingly insignificant experience in my life and learn so much.

I am so discouraged this evening. I do not know when I became so sensitive,but I really am I just wish that I looked closer before I leaped. I always think that I am too cautious, but now I realize why. I have learned to trust my first instinct about people. If I don't feel comfortable around a person in the beginning it usually means something, and I am certain that I am done trying with this person. I have completely folded my hand. I have nothing left to play. There is nothing left to give, but to take my ante and move on...

Because Life is not like the movies. Life is not a fairy tale. There are not always happy endings and magical ever afters. Sometimes it is ugly. Sometimes it is messy, and sometimes It is just easier to take the loss...

Not to say this it isnt worth running through to sunflowers, to find out the truth...It's just that sometimes ideals and realities can be disappointing...

Forever and Always.

I can not believe how fast the days go by. It seems there is not enough time in the day to get everything done.

I pretty much have to admit that I want to be Taylor Swift's best friend. I mean it is a little creepy, but honestly the truth. I had a dream last night that I was at her concert backstage, and she text me...It is really funny, I think it is because her song's are set as my ringtone's and my phone rang a couple of times during my sleep...

But deep dark secret confession time, I have always known that I have pretty good writing skills, but I always wanted to learn to play the guitar and have an amazing singing voice, so I could get back at all of the ex boyfriends and crappy friends who hurt my feelings along the way.

Funny story, about six or seven years ago, I wrote this song about an ex boyfriend who will remain nameless for the sake of my pride, and my brother and sister can still sing the words to this day because I made them sing it with me all of the time. It was called, "You told me you loved me".....haha....I still remember the words I wrote too...

" You told me she was only a friend,
now you're kissing her again.
You told me you'd call,
the phone never rang...
You told me you'd be here when I got back,
and all that's left is the bed unmade.

You told me what you wouldn't do,
and now it's all been done.
You told me everything I wanted to hear...
You broke my heart,
You told me you loved me you loved me You told me you'd hold me forever..."

That is all I can remember of it----ohhh man.




I have been clutching the idea that Summer is so close, and that is what is has been getting me through the past month.

I feel like so much Hope lies in the Summer to come. I am so excited to be marrying my best friend. It seems so cliche to say that, but looking forward to waking up next to the one who sees me for who I am, and loves me regardless of my flaws. There is the hope for our future together, becoming one--having children---watching each other's dreams and plans unfold before our eyes...How exciting is this....

Lately, there have been some bumps in my road to happiness---but I am determined to stay positive, and let those relationships stay in the past. People are People, and sometimes it is better to have no expectations because your feelings can't be hurt. It is selfish to assume that everyone is as excited as me to be apart of my wedding, or spend time planning it...But it is not selfish to expect the friends you assume are always going to care the most to prove that. It is in the worst,dark, hardest times in your life and your most wonderful,joyful, happy times that you see who your Friends are... I see it now, and I am so blessed...I am letting the old friends go...Grateful for all that they have taught me, but now giving room for new people---new learning experiences, and so blessed by so many.

Quantity and Quality are two different words. Obviously, if given the choice, I would take the close friends I have today over the larger number of friends I had a year ago---

I made a list in the note application on my iphone of people I need to forgive, and have made a point to pray for them before I go to sleep...for a couple of people it is still hard for me to do anything but lift them up in prayer, but for some I have found that my heart has been softened, and the bitterness that was there is not as stagnant.


We will see what else is to come as the weeks unfold....