Rain...

Dear Friend,



It is crazy how time flies and someone you once knew so very well, becomes such a stranger to you. At some point in our relationship I knew everything about you, and at some point we lost each other. For the past couple of years due to choices out of my control, I have felt completely helpless. I have watched you self destruct in more ways than one, but even in my frustration I have always loved you. There were times in our relationship where emotionally I was unable to handle where you were in your life, but that does not mean that I never stopped caring, or never stopped loving you. In our friendship, I have always been the old soul, and you have always been the free spirit. It seems at times you were never affected by pain, heartache, or trails. You were always so resilient, and when an obstacle was thrown your way,you were leaping through hurdles and always completed the challenge. Myself on the other hand, when wounded it takes me trial and error, and missed leap after missed leap to finally get over the pain. In some ways we are so different, it really makes no sense how we get along. But something I know for a fact, is that I love you all of the time..There have been many times I have asked myself, "What have you ever done for me?", and the truth is....not very much...But the things I have learned from you are gifts that I will continually cherish. And a relationship is not about who gives what, it is about love and compassion. Two words that at times seem hard to find when dealing with some of our situations. Sometimes I wonder how you got to be the person you are today, you are so very different from the person I spent so much time laughing with, crying with, and occasionally "fist" fighting with. I often wish, that there was a rewind button, and I could stop certain events in your life, so that you would have a clear view to see the choice you were about to make, and how it would affect everyone around you. I always think that surely you would make the less selfish decision, and chose to be the friend I once knew. I was asked to make a choice with you, the choice to accept the person you are today, or leave. And I left. That does not mean I will not always be here ALL hours of the day to come running full speed by your side if you need something, and yes, part of true love is loving the person where they are....But at some point, a person becomes exhausted watching and knowing there is nothing I can say or do to you to show you that you DESERVE better, you are WORTH so much more, and despite what you have been told that no one could love you after what you have been through...I feel like God is preparing a person of great worth for you. Growing up, I always knew you would be the first one to be married, and have children. But the man I envisioned your husband, was someone far different. I have made the decision, that I will not just accept things you ask of me so you can act like there are no problems. And if that means that you no longer want me around...I accept that. I will gladly wait from afar until the time comes that you realize that nothing I do is to hurt you. In the end, I feel like the dreams we have had for ourselves, and each other just scattered...and here we are two wounded friends, two wounded sisters....neither wants to give....neither thinks the other side is right, and there is really no solution except God and time. Please know that even though I am not with you, I am always here for support, and I will always be here.

Samson

Right now...I want to be anywhere but here...

"Here"---meaning, in this state, in this mindset, in this location, in this feeling, in this room, in Oklahoma, in school, working, awake, not thinking, responsible... If you fill in the blank, they are all the correct choice.



I feel a serious tug in my heart, pulling me towards something new...something different...just not really sure what that something different is...

Part of me wants to fill my gas tank up, drive until I run out......and stay there.

Surrender...

I can not tell you how many times I have began writing on here, but end up completely erasing what I have typed...I have a message, and I have just been struggling to get it out....

I am listening to the song by JJ Heller- Your Hands...

This song honestly brings tears to my eyes. This has been happening alot lately. In an instant my eyes will fill with tears by a simple comment on some one's facebook, or a song playing on the radio as I drive from one place to another. Mostly it is because I am in the middle of a brutal war, a war where there is no winner..

It all started in October when the news that my family heard was Devastating..."The Cancer is back.." I feel that I have been swept up in a tornado of hurt and am spinning restlessly until someone is willing to give. Despite everything that has gone on in the past, here lies a beautiful nineteen year old woman who is facing cancer for the SECOND time..For those who are not around or involved, I would like you to have an insight into what it is like to be a family member of someone who is facing this illness. It is ugly. It is hard, and it is devastating. This Saturday I answered the phone to my sister in tears because she had to buzz her hair for the SECOND time in her life...Trying to find the strength in myself to not break down and reassure her of her beauty was very hard. If I were given the choice, I would love to rip that pain away from her. I do not know about you, but I find great security in my hair, and can not imagine what it would feel like to run my fingers through my hair to find clumps of my hair in my fingers...Not only that, but you are then faced with putting on a smile, and facing the world. My brother, sister, and I went to lunch today, and it broke my heart to see the insecurity my beautiful sister felt walking into a restaurant feeling all eyes on her pretty bald head. I was reading her caringbridge a few days ago, and broke into tears once again because of something a family friend said...She told Laurann that her little bald head was a symbol to all the world that she is fighting...I think we want to glamorize this by saying she is fighting, but many do not understand what this entails....not only is she physically fighting, but she is mentally fighting...

This trauma has caused great division among all sides of our family, when this is something that should cause people to be moved...moved closer to one another, because this is proof that life is short, and we are not always guaranteed tomorrow to fix things. I would encourage all who read my blog to really question themselves, is the battle over the past worth losing what little time we have together in the future?
I have the constant question in the back of my mind...Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion?

I think the biggest problem with divorce is that it is impossible to completely cut each other off when children are involved...I think it is disgusting how parents deny their children things in order to hurt another parent....I think it is disgusting to hear slander about either side...Do you realize when you say something negative about one parent, you are ultimately telling your children that part of their own being is something negative....

This battle is not about choosing sides...This battle is about surrendering....This battle needs to end. I have seen enough facebook slandering, enough of people deleted off of facebook, enough unkind words, and enough devastation...Haven't we all? Is all of this worth losing each other? Family is one of the most important gifts God has given us, and I am constantly praying for this battle to end.


I am praying for peace, I am praying for wisdom, and I have faith that God will restore all of this emptiness and hurt for many. I ask that you pray too....

2010

Top 10 worth mentioning events since 2010 began.....

1. I have recently discovered the most addicting show...DEXTER...after a bittersweet battle I have made the decision to eliminate cable, and invest in a much cheaper form of entertainment known as NETFLIX...Hopefully now I will save money and get some of my much needed homework done before-hand instead of procrastinating...only I will be sad I will miss the exciting trashy lives of the Jersey Shore...luckily for me I still have internet so I can keep up with my terrible addictions of Teen Mom and the fist pumping Jersey Shore online...Back to Dexter... LOVE LOVE LOVE this show. I am obsessed with Crime TV...however, it is really unhealthy for me because it causes me to think I am always going to be victimized...but who cares if I am that weirdo in the parking lot holding my keys like a weapon...I gotta have Law and Order SVU...

2. School started on Monday, and I am not sure when I decided taking 19 hours was a wise decision, but I have high hopes of surviving Sociological Theory with Dr. Death, and have since decided I will be applying for GRAD SCHOOL in the fall! That is reaaallly exciting and anxiety building at the same time!

3. In the past week alone, I have probably managed to consume at least 30 cupcakes...but who is counting? Hallie and Tiffany!!! We are starting a new type of punishment to end this cupcake consumption madness...I am trying to lose weight for my wedding, however...the cupcakes are destroying that hope.

4. I love the song How He loves Us - by David Crowder Band and Sugar Cane by Missy Higgins.

5. Facebook has become disgustingly evil. In the past couple weeks I have seen nasty comments about members of my family posted on other members of my families wall, awkward facebook status's, people getting involved in situations they know nothing about, but creep enough on facebook to think they do...and frankly it is really annoying. I mean whatever happened to REAL CONVERSATIONS?! Whatever happpened to face to face communication? I do not know about you, but this indirect slandering of family members is tacky. People butting in to situations they do not belong is tacky...and people posting all of their business on facebook is TACKY....

6. "Wedding planning" is a word that probably should be in my vocabulary, but it is not.

7. I will continue this at a later time.....

Slow dancing in a Burning Room....

The feeling of a broken heart is the most excruciating pain. It is almost like if you listen closely you can hear it cracking inside of your chest. If you sit still long enough it becomes obvious the only functional part of your body is your lungs. When your heart is broken, it seems the only plausible action is to keep breathing... At this moment in my life I have never felt more isolated or alone. I feel like I have failed at something bigger and more important than any task I have had laid before me. Not only do I feel separation in my heart from family, I now feel it from someone I hold very dear to me. There is always the saying, "When it rains it pours...." that saying hits so close to home today...
For most of my life, I have in some way been surrounded by addictions and abandonment. Losing my biological father to alcoholism in 2008 has effected me in many ways. I now know the importance of quality relationships and am left with the constant feeling of loss haunting the back of my mind. There is always the "What if's..." and all of the precious moments he will now miss..
I feel today that the "What if's" are going to get the best of me, I keep thinking to myself..."What if, i have it all wrong and this is all just a dream that I will soon wake up from?" ....only to pinch myself and realize that this is my reality.
I feel like the advances and battles in life are meant to make us stronger, but why in the moment am i so weak? Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion? Why is pride so hard to swallow in peacemaking? Why is love not enough to fix all of the problems faced in a relationship?
It takes so much to keep the tears inside of me, but all of a sudden like an eruption they are streaming down my face, and I am left updating a blog because I can only find comfort in typing my thoughts instead of expressing them to people who just make me feel more isolated.
At this moment, I am angry at God. I am very certain of his plan for my life, but I can not help to feel very distraught about the path he is leading me down. I am reminded of the song by Jenny Owens...that God never said it would be easy...he just said I would never be alone...that is a thought that is comforting.

At this very moment I feel the urge to stand up and just scream at the top of my lungs until i can no longer scream. I hate the feeling of being vulnerable...knowing that someone holds your heart in their hand, and in an instant with one sudden movement it can become demolished.

The only solution I have for myself is to pick my feet up from the ground one step at a time, and pray that my lungs don't give out like my heart. Breathing is the only thing that I know at the moment. My brain and heart are colliding with thoughts and emotions that my body can no longer handle....

I guess this is where i leave my thoughts because they are starting to become entangled again with my heart and at this moment I am just waiting for the next explosion of tears.