The feeling of a broken heart is the most excruciating pain. It is almost like if you listen closely you can hear it cracking inside of your chest. If you sit still long enough it becomes obvious the only functional part of your body is your lungs. When your heart is broken, it seems the only plausible action is to keep breathing... At this moment in my life I have never felt more isolated or alone. I feel like I have failed at something bigger and more important than any task I have had laid before me. Not only do I feel separation in my heart from family, I now feel it from someone I hold very dear to me. There is always the saying, "When it rains it pours...." that saying hits so close to home today...
For most of my life, I have in some way been surrounded by addictions and abandonment. Losing my biological father to alcoholism in 2008 has effected me in many ways. I now know the importance of quality relationships and am left with the constant feeling of loss haunting the back of my mind. There is always the "What if's..." and all of the precious moments he will now miss..
I feel today that the "What if's" are going to get the best of me, I keep thinking to myself..."What if, i have it all wrong and this is all just a dream that I will soon wake up from?" ....only to pinch myself and realize that this is my reality.
I feel like the advances and battles in life are meant to make us stronger, but why in the moment am i so weak? Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion? Why is pride so hard to swallow in peacemaking? Why is love not enough to fix all of the problems faced in a relationship?
It takes so much to keep the tears inside of me, but all of a sudden like an eruption they are streaming down my face, and I am left updating a blog because I can only find comfort in typing my thoughts instead of expressing them to people who just make me feel more isolated.
At this moment, I am angry at God. I am very certain of his plan for my life, but I can not help to feel very distraught about the path he is leading me down. I am reminded of the song by Jenny Owens...that God never said it would be easy...he just said I would never be alone...that is a thought that is comforting.
At this very moment I feel the urge to stand up and just scream at the top of my lungs until i can no longer scream. I hate the feeling of being vulnerable...knowing that someone holds your heart in their hand, and in an instant with one sudden movement it can become demolished.
The only solution I have for myself is to pick my feet up from the ground one step at a time, and pray that my lungs don't give out like my heart. Breathing is the only thing that I know at the moment. My brain and heart are colliding with thoughts and emotions that my body can no longer handle....
I guess this is where i leave my thoughts because they are starting to become entangled again with my heart and at this moment I am just waiting for the next explosion of tears.
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