Surrender...

I can not tell you how many times I have began writing on here, but end up completely erasing what I have typed...I have a message, and I have just been struggling to get it out....

I am listening to the song by JJ Heller- Your Hands...

This song honestly brings tears to my eyes. This has been happening alot lately. In an instant my eyes will fill with tears by a simple comment on some one's facebook, or a song playing on the radio as I drive from one place to another. Mostly it is because I am in the middle of a brutal war, a war where there is no winner..

It all started in October when the news that my family heard was Devastating..."The Cancer is back.." I feel that I have been swept up in a tornado of hurt and am spinning restlessly until someone is willing to give. Despite everything that has gone on in the past, here lies a beautiful nineteen year old woman who is facing cancer for the SECOND time..For those who are not around or involved, I would like you to have an insight into what it is like to be a family member of someone who is facing this illness. It is ugly. It is hard, and it is devastating. This Saturday I answered the phone to my sister in tears because she had to buzz her hair for the SECOND time in her life...Trying to find the strength in myself to not break down and reassure her of her beauty was very hard. If I were given the choice, I would love to rip that pain away from her. I do not know about you, but I find great security in my hair, and can not imagine what it would feel like to run my fingers through my hair to find clumps of my hair in my fingers...Not only that, but you are then faced with putting on a smile, and facing the world. My brother, sister, and I went to lunch today, and it broke my heart to see the insecurity my beautiful sister felt walking into a restaurant feeling all eyes on her pretty bald head. I was reading her caringbridge a few days ago, and broke into tears once again because of something a family friend said...She told Laurann that her little bald head was a symbol to all the world that she is fighting...I think we want to glamorize this by saying she is fighting, but many do not understand what this entails....not only is she physically fighting, but she is mentally fighting...

This trauma has caused great division among all sides of our family, when this is something that should cause people to be moved...moved closer to one another, because this is proof that life is short, and we are not always guaranteed tomorrow to fix things. I would encourage all who read my blog to really question themselves, is the battle over the past worth losing what little time we have together in the future?
I have the constant question in the back of my mind...Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion?

I think the biggest problem with divorce is that it is impossible to completely cut each other off when children are involved...I think it is disgusting how parents deny their children things in order to hurt another parent....I think it is disgusting to hear slander about either side...Do you realize when you say something negative about one parent, you are ultimately telling your children that part of their own being is something negative....

This battle is not about choosing sides...This battle is about surrendering....This battle needs to end. I have seen enough facebook slandering, enough of people deleted off of facebook, enough unkind words, and enough devastation...Haven't we all? Is all of this worth losing each other? Family is one of the most important gifts God has given us, and I am constantly praying for this battle to end.


I am praying for peace, I am praying for wisdom, and I have faith that God will restore all of this emptiness and hurt for many. I ask that you pray too....