Outside the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and people are still moving forward in life. Their biggest worries become being late for work, finding time to clean house, and paying bills...Isn't strange how despite what is happening in your own life--the world outside you moves forward without stopping----leaving you standing stunned, heart-broken, and unable to move as people run laps around you once again showing you how quickly Life goes on...
Do you ever feel that you are going through something so tough, and find yourself annoyed by people who could care less or try to relate by comparing their problems to yours?
Lately, I hold resentment to the people I once was close to, who claim me as a friend but never make an effort to call, or check up on everything. Admittedly, I do not have the life I once had where girls nights happened once a week, and I could spend time with my friends anytime I wanted because frankly....there is NO extra time.
My week consists of 19 hours of School 5 days a week, 2 nights a week, work Tuesday-Saturday, constantly studying for a test or having to write a paper, and then trying to spend time with my sister, my family, and my fiance. After doing all of that there is no time...
But I feel as though things are different for me. I feel as if I am at a place in my life that few understand, and I can not begin to imagine how alone my sister must feel. I feel that when I talk to people about what is going on that they do not truly understand. I think the world has become desensitized to the word "cancer", or "bone marrow transplant" ---they know that it is a bad thing, but they do not see it for what it truly is. The statistics on a bone marrow transplant are that 1 out of 8 do not survive the transplant. To many that is a statistic, simply a number...but imagine if 1 of those 8 people was your baby sister, or your mother, or your husband. It becomes a little different.
Leaving the Bone Marrow Transplant ward today, I walked by another one of the patients in Laurann's ward, and I honestly wanted to just reach out my arms and give her a hug. Her bald head was shining in the florescent lights as a symbol that she is fighting, the mask around her mouth to protect her from infection, and you can see her beautiful eyes with a glimmer of hope for another day...She walked down the hallway carrying the machine she is attached to because TODAY she had enough strength to get out of bed and walk the 20 feet of hallway that these patients are confined to. For four weeks this hallway becomes your only escape from the small cubicle like room that is to become your home...
Having my sister in this position, I have begun to realize the importance of the small things...the moments in life that are so small, but so precious...
Because I am to remember that..."I am the flower quickly fading,here today and gone tomorrow,A wave tossed in the ocean,a vapor in the wind"....
Wednesday, March 3, 2010
Saturday, February 27, 2010
Run
This is one of my favorite pictures of all time of my sister and I....Lately, my heart has been extremely heavy and full of fear and worry for what is to come in my life. On top of trying to balance my busy schedule of work and school trying to find quality time to spend with my sister before her transplant has been next to impossible. Which has made me feel very empty inside, and really question my own motives---that if something were to happen to her, did I do the best I could to show her how much she is loved, and did I do my best to be there for her regardless of our disagreements and differences? My answer to myself is probably not all of the time, but finding margin in my life is a constant battle.
I wanted to write about my experience last night at the Freedom event at Lifechurch. I had asked Laurann to go with me a few nights ago, I just really felt like God was telling me, "Hollee, this is important...". Normally I am not as persistent about Laurann not bailing on me when we have plans, but I honestly don't think I would have given her a chance not to go....I think I would have just went in an physically carried her skinny little butt out to my car :). But she came willingly and off we went. I think it is crazy how Worship can bring you to your knees...I mean I could feel God's presence, and could barely muffle the words to the song because tears were streaming down my face. Laurann sat down during worship because I thought maybe she was feeling weak, but I looked down and noticed she too was crying....I thought that was awesome how we both felt God so strongly in that moment....I am not a touchy person, I am probably the last person to shell out hugs, even when I know someone needs them...It is not that I don't want too, but I always feel awkward...which is something I have been trying to work on...I wanted to bend down and pray with her, but I knew that nothing would come out but tears, so I just placed my hand on her shoulder, and began praying for her and thanking God for this moment...such a small moment in time, something Laurann might never think twice about, but me---this is one of those memories I will cherish forever. A moment where I felt complete peace with my relationship with my sister and hope for what was to come.
The message was something of great worth too--I think each of the four girls I went with and my mom probably all left with a different perspective on what freedom was to them...I have realized that I too, am far from being free, but I am determined to start walking in FAITH.... and remembering this verse..." Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" Philippians 4:8...instead of focusing on fear, worry, negativity...I am going to try to focus on ONLY good and start rejecting all other negative Trash....this will be a hard battle that will require a lot of practice.
My family has been heavy on my heart with the transplant coming up on Tuesday...Sometime's I find myself getting angry at people who say they are "sick". Because I find myself comparing them to Laurann, and become frustrated by their lack of joy and gratefulness of good health. I think sometimes forget how blessed they truly are.
After the message last night, they called women leaders down to the front to pray, and my mom, sister, and I attempted to have a family prayer and have Amy pray over Laurann, but I think because of Laurann's bald head we were bombarded by strangers reaching out their hands to pray with us! I was so excited! and so moved by God's goodness!!! Then I started to see familiar faces crowd us too and was greeted with warm words and hugs and encouragement, and when we left I could totally feel that God had moved in our lives.
I remember two years ago when I found out the first time about Laurann having cancer, I was driving home from the hospital alone, and the song Run- by Snow Patrol came on my ipod, and I remember I just started screaming....as crazy at that was, I guess it was the only way for me to express all of the chaos that had just spun into our life....
So here we are again, on a different journey, praying, and having faith that God will provide healing and peace for all of us.
Saturday, February 6, 2010
The fish and the minnow....
Do you ever feel like you are literally watching life pass you by? Lately, I have been feeling like I am trapped. To best describe my life, I am the sick little girl watching all of her friends jump rope from the window because my mom says, "I am too sick to play. outside.." Only this is not really my reality--- because one, I am not sick, and two, my mom does not make rules for me anymore. I just totally feel the weight of the world weighing on my shoulders, and feel like there is no one to lift the weight. In the past couple of months I have been taking 19 hours of school, working 20 hours, trying to plan a wedding, trying to be a friend--mostly failing miserably...trying to be a sister---again mostly failing, and trying to force myself to crawl out of bed each morning.
I think sometimes in trying to explain how you are feeling about things, people only genuinely relate if they are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time.
Maybe I am good at expressing things that upset me, and mostly I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but at the same time my mind is always churning--and thinking about all that lies before me, and all that is yet to be done...
This makes me question, why is it so hard for me to just enjoy the moment I am in? Lately, I honestly wish (selfishly), that I did not have so much going on in my life. Not only am I so disgusted by the fact that my sister has to endure "Cancer" again, but (selfishly) wish that it were any other time besides the year I am supposed to be getting married. I wish that I had paid closure attention to friendships I have invested myself in lately and been more cautious, and I honestly wish that I was more like the person I was two years ago...
Two years ago, I would have chosen a beer over doing my homework or stressing about a test, Two years ago, I would chose to spend time with my best friends over sleeping. Two years ago, I would have found the time to paint my toenails. Two years ago, I would have never thought twice about having more than one drink and driving my car. Two years ago, I was obviously more immature, but I was not such a stick with an inability to just sit, relax, and have fun.
When did everything change?
The word Fun seems completely stripped of my vocabulary. I see alot of stress and work ahead of me....
I feel like it is just storming in my life, and I am outside without an umbrella....
I miss my old best friend.
I miss when life wasnt stressful.
I miss when I had more fun.
I think sometimes in trying to explain how you are feeling about things, people only genuinely relate if they are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time.
Maybe I am good at expressing things that upset me, and mostly I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but at the same time my mind is always churning--and thinking about all that lies before me, and all that is yet to be done...
This makes me question, why is it so hard for me to just enjoy the moment I am in? Lately, I honestly wish (selfishly), that I did not have so much going on in my life. Not only am I so disgusted by the fact that my sister has to endure "Cancer" again, but (selfishly) wish that it were any other time besides the year I am supposed to be getting married. I wish that I had paid closure attention to friendships I have invested myself in lately and been more cautious, and I honestly wish that I was more like the person I was two years ago...
Two years ago, I would have chosen a beer over doing my homework or stressing about a test, Two years ago, I would chose to spend time with my best friends over sleeping. Two years ago, I would have found the time to paint my toenails. Two years ago, I would have never thought twice about having more than one drink and driving my car. Two years ago, I was obviously more immature, but I was not such a stick with an inability to just sit, relax, and have fun.
When did everything change?
The word Fun seems completely stripped of my vocabulary. I see alot of stress and work ahead of me....
I feel like it is just storming in my life, and I am outside without an umbrella....
I miss my old best friend.
I miss when life wasnt stressful.
I miss when I had more fun.
Saturday, January 30, 2010
Rain...
Dear Friend,
It is crazy how time flies and someone you once knew so very well, becomes such a stranger to you. At some point in our relationship I knew everything about you, and at some point we lost each other. For the past couple of years due to choices out of my control, I have felt completely helpless. I have watched you self destruct in more ways than one, but even in my frustration I have always loved you. There were times in our relationship where emotionally I was unable to handle where you were in your life, but that does not mean that I never stopped caring, or never stopped loving you. In our friendship, I have always been the old soul, and you have always been the free spirit. It seems at times you were never affected by pain, heartache, or trails. You were always so resilient, and when an obstacle was thrown your way,you were leaping through hurdles and always completed the challenge. Myself on the other hand, when wounded it takes me trial and error, and missed leap after missed leap to finally get over the pain. In some ways we are so different, it really makes no sense how we get along. But something I know for a fact, is that I love you all of the time..There have been many times I have asked myself, "What have you ever done for me?", and the truth is....not very much...But the things I have learned from you are gifts that I will continually cherish. And a relationship is not about who gives what, it is about love and compassion. Two words that at times seem hard to find when dealing with some of our situations. Sometimes I wonder how you got to be the person you are today, you are so very different from the person I spent so much time laughing with, crying with, and occasionally "fist" fighting with. I often wish, that there was a rewind button, and I could stop certain events in your life, so that you would have a clear view to see the choice you were about to make, and how it would affect everyone around you. I always think that surely you would make the less selfish decision, and chose to be the friend I once knew. I was asked to make a choice with you, the choice to accept the person you are today, or leave. And I left. That does not mean I will not always be here ALL hours of the day to come running full speed by your side if you need something, and yes, part of true love is loving the person where they are....But at some point, a person becomes exhausted watching and knowing there is nothing I can say or do to you to show you that you DESERVE better, you are WORTH so much more, and despite what you have been told that no one could love you after what you have been through...I feel like God is preparing a person of great worth for you. Growing up, I always knew you would be the first one to be married, and have children. But the man I envisioned your husband, was someone far different. I have made the decision, that I will not just accept things you ask of me so you can act like there are no problems. And if that means that you no longer want me around...I accept that. I will gladly wait from afar until the time comes that you realize that nothing I do is to hurt you. In the end, I feel like the dreams we have had for ourselves, and each other just scattered...and here we are two wounded friends, two wounded sisters....neither wants to give....neither thinks the other side is right, and there is really no solution except God and time. Please know that even though I am not with you, I am always here for support, and I will always be here.
It is crazy how time flies and someone you once knew so very well, becomes such a stranger to you. At some point in our relationship I knew everything about you, and at some point we lost each other. For the past couple of years due to choices out of my control, I have felt completely helpless. I have watched you self destruct in more ways than one, but even in my frustration I have always loved you. There were times in our relationship where emotionally I was unable to handle where you were in your life, but that does not mean that I never stopped caring, or never stopped loving you. In our friendship, I have always been the old soul, and you have always been the free spirit. It seems at times you were never affected by pain, heartache, or trails. You were always so resilient, and when an obstacle was thrown your way,you were leaping through hurdles and always completed the challenge. Myself on the other hand, when wounded it takes me trial and error, and missed leap after missed leap to finally get over the pain. In some ways we are so different, it really makes no sense how we get along. But something I know for a fact, is that I love you all of the time..There have been many times I have asked myself, "What have you ever done for me?", and the truth is....not very much...But the things I have learned from you are gifts that I will continually cherish. And a relationship is not about who gives what, it is about love and compassion. Two words that at times seem hard to find when dealing with some of our situations. Sometimes I wonder how you got to be the person you are today, you are so very different from the person I spent so much time laughing with, crying with, and occasionally "fist" fighting with. I often wish, that there was a rewind button, and I could stop certain events in your life, so that you would have a clear view to see the choice you were about to make, and how it would affect everyone around you. I always think that surely you would make the less selfish decision, and chose to be the friend I once knew. I was asked to make a choice with you, the choice to accept the person you are today, or leave. And I left. That does not mean I will not always be here ALL hours of the day to come running full speed by your side if you need something, and yes, part of true love is loving the person where they are....But at some point, a person becomes exhausted watching and knowing there is nothing I can say or do to you to show you that you DESERVE better, you are WORTH so much more, and despite what you have been told that no one could love you after what you have been through...I feel like God is preparing a person of great worth for you. Growing up, I always knew you would be the first one to be married, and have children. But the man I envisioned your husband, was someone far different. I have made the decision, that I will not just accept things you ask of me so you can act like there are no problems. And if that means that you no longer want me around...I accept that. I will gladly wait from afar until the time comes that you realize that nothing I do is to hurt you. In the end, I feel like the dreams we have had for ourselves, and each other just scattered...and here we are two wounded friends, two wounded sisters....neither wants to give....neither thinks the other side is right, and there is really no solution except God and time. Please know that even though I am not with you, I am always here for support, and I will always be here.
Wednesday, January 27, 2010
Samson
Right now...I want to be anywhere but here...
"Here"---meaning, in this state, in this mindset, in this location, in this feeling, in this room, in Oklahoma, in school, working, awake, not thinking, responsible... If you fill in the blank, they are all the correct choice.
I feel a serious tug in my heart, pulling me towards something new...something different...just not really sure what that something different is...
Part of me wants to fill my gas tank up, drive until I run out......and stay there.
"Here"---meaning, in this state, in this mindset, in this location, in this feeling, in this room, in Oklahoma, in school, working, awake, not thinking, responsible... If you fill in the blank, they are all the correct choice.
I feel a serious tug in my heart, pulling me towards something new...something different...just not really sure what that something different is...
Part of me wants to fill my gas tank up, drive until I run out......and stay there.
Monday, January 18, 2010
Surrender...
I can not tell you how many times I have began writing on here, but end up completely erasing what I have typed...I have a message, and I have just been struggling to get it out....
I am listening to the song by JJ Heller- Your Hands...
This song honestly brings tears to my eyes. This has been happening alot lately. In an instant my eyes will fill with tears by a simple comment on some one's facebook, or a song playing on the radio as I drive from one place to another. Mostly it is because I am in the middle of a brutal war, a war where there is no winner..
It all started in October when the news that my family heard was Devastating..."The Cancer is back.." I feel that I have been swept up in a tornado of hurt and am spinning restlessly until someone is willing to give. Despite everything that has gone on in the past, here lies a beautiful nineteen year old woman who is facing cancer for the SECOND time..For those who are not around or involved, I would like you to have an insight into what it is like to be a family member of someone who is facing this illness. It is ugly. It is hard, and it is devastating. This Saturday I answered the phone to my sister in tears because she had to buzz her hair for the SECOND time in her life...Trying to find the strength in myself to not break down and reassure her of her beauty was very hard. If I were given the choice, I would love to rip that pain away from her. I do not know about you, but I find great security in my hair, and can not imagine what it would feel like to run my fingers through my hair to find clumps of my hair in my fingers...Not only that, but you are then faced with putting on a smile, and facing the world. My brother, sister, and I went to lunch today, and it broke my heart to see the insecurity my beautiful sister felt walking into a restaurant feeling all eyes on her pretty bald head. I was reading her caringbridge a few days ago, and broke into tears once again because of something a family friend said...She told Laurann that her little bald head was a symbol to all the world that she is fighting...I think we want to glamorize this by saying she is fighting, but many do not understand what this entails....not only is she physically fighting, but she is mentally fighting...
This trauma has caused great division among all sides of our family, when this is something that should cause people to be moved...moved closer to one another, because this is proof that life is short, and we are not always guaranteed tomorrow to fix things. I would encourage all who read my blog to really question themselves, is the battle over the past worth losing what little time we have together in the future?
I have the constant question in the back of my mind...Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion?
I think the biggest problem with divorce is that it is impossible to completely cut each other off when children are involved...I think it is disgusting how parents deny their children things in order to hurt another parent....I think it is disgusting to hear slander about either side...Do you realize when you say something negative about one parent, you are ultimately telling your children that part of their own being is something negative....
This battle is not about choosing sides...This battle is about surrendering....This battle needs to end. I have seen enough facebook slandering, enough of people deleted off of facebook, enough unkind words, and enough devastation...Haven't we all? Is all of this worth losing each other? Family is one of the most important gifts God has given us, and I am constantly praying for this battle to end.
I am praying for peace, I am praying for wisdom, and I have faith that God will restore all of this emptiness and hurt for many. I ask that you pray too....
I am listening to the song by JJ Heller- Your Hands...
This song honestly brings tears to my eyes. This has been happening alot lately. In an instant my eyes will fill with tears by a simple comment on some one's facebook, or a song playing on the radio as I drive from one place to another. Mostly it is because I am in the middle of a brutal war, a war where there is no winner..
It all started in October when the news that my family heard was Devastating..."The Cancer is back.." I feel that I have been swept up in a tornado of hurt and am spinning restlessly until someone is willing to give. Despite everything that has gone on in the past, here lies a beautiful nineteen year old woman who is facing cancer for the SECOND time..For those who are not around or involved, I would like you to have an insight into what it is like to be a family member of someone who is facing this illness. It is ugly. It is hard, and it is devastating. This Saturday I answered the phone to my sister in tears because she had to buzz her hair for the SECOND time in her life...Trying to find the strength in myself to not break down and reassure her of her beauty was very hard. If I were given the choice, I would love to rip that pain away from her. I do not know about you, but I find great security in my hair, and can not imagine what it would feel like to run my fingers through my hair to find clumps of my hair in my fingers...Not only that, but you are then faced with putting on a smile, and facing the world. My brother, sister, and I went to lunch today, and it broke my heart to see the insecurity my beautiful sister felt walking into a restaurant feeling all eyes on her pretty bald head. I was reading her caringbridge a few days ago, and broke into tears once again because of something a family friend said...She told Laurann that her little bald head was a symbol to all the world that she is fighting...I think we want to glamorize this by saying she is fighting, but many do not understand what this entails....not only is she physically fighting, but she is mentally fighting...
This trauma has caused great division among all sides of our family, when this is something that should cause people to be moved...moved closer to one another, because this is proof that life is short, and we are not always guaranteed tomorrow to fix things. I would encourage all who read my blog to really question themselves, is the battle over the past worth losing what little time we have together in the future?
I have the constant question in the back of my mind...Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion?
I think the biggest problem with divorce is that it is impossible to completely cut each other off when children are involved...I think it is disgusting how parents deny their children things in order to hurt another parent....I think it is disgusting to hear slander about either side...Do you realize when you say something negative about one parent, you are ultimately telling your children that part of their own being is something negative....
This battle is not about choosing sides...This battle is about surrendering....This battle needs to end. I have seen enough facebook slandering, enough of people deleted off of facebook, enough unkind words, and enough devastation...Haven't we all? Is all of this worth losing each other? Family is one of the most important gifts God has given us, and I am constantly praying for this battle to end.
I am praying for peace, I am praying for wisdom, and I have faith that God will restore all of this emptiness and hurt for many. I ask that you pray too....
Friday, January 15, 2010
2010
Top 10 worth mentioning events since 2010 began.....
1. I have recently discovered the most addicting show...DEXTER...after a bittersweet battle I have made the decision to eliminate cable, and invest in a much cheaper form of entertainment known as NETFLIX...Hopefully now I will save money and get some of my much needed homework done before-hand instead of procrastinating...only I will be sad I will miss the exciting trashy lives of the Jersey Shore...luckily for me I still have internet so I can keep up with my terrible addictions of Teen Mom and the fist pumping Jersey Shore online...Back to Dexter... LOVE LOVE LOVE this show. I am obsessed with Crime TV...however, it is really unhealthy for me because it causes me to think I am always going to be victimized...but who cares if I am that weirdo in the parking lot holding my keys like a weapon...I gotta have Law and Order SVU...
2. School started on Monday, and I am not sure when I decided taking 19 hours was a wise decision, but I have high hopes of surviving Sociological Theory with Dr. Death, and have since decided I will be applying for GRAD SCHOOL in the fall! That is reaaallly exciting and anxiety building at the same time!
3. In the past week alone, I have probably managed to consume at least 30 cupcakes...but who is counting? Hallie and Tiffany!!! We are starting a new type of punishment to end this cupcake consumption madness...I am trying to lose weight for my wedding, however...the cupcakes are destroying that hope.
4. I love the song How He loves Us - by David Crowder Band and Sugar Cane by Missy Higgins.
5. Facebook has become disgustingly evil. In the past couple weeks I have seen nasty comments about members of my family posted on other members of my families wall, awkward facebook status's, people getting involved in situations they know nothing about, but creep enough on facebook to think they do...and frankly it is really annoying. I mean whatever happened to REAL CONVERSATIONS?! Whatever happpened to face to face communication? I do not know about you, but this indirect slandering of family members is tacky. People butting in to situations they do not belong is tacky...and people posting all of their business on facebook is TACKY....
6. "Wedding planning" is a word that probably should be in my vocabulary, but it is not.
7. I will continue this at a later time.....
1. I have recently discovered the most addicting show...DEXTER...after a bittersweet battle I have made the decision to eliminate cable, and invest in a much cheaper form of entertainment known as NETFLIX...Hopefully now I will save money and get some of my much needed homework done before-hand instead of procrastinating...only I will be sad I will miss the exciting trashy lives of the Jersey Shore...luckily for me I still have internet so I can keep up with my terrible addictions of Teen Mom and the fist pumping Jersey Shore online...Back to Dexter... LOVE LOVE LOVE this show. I am obsessed with Crime TV...however, it is really unhealthy for me because it causes me to think I am always going to be victimized...but who cares if I am that weirdo in the parking lot holding my keys like a weapon...I gotta have Law and Order SVU...
2. School started on Monday, and I am not sure when I decided taking 19 hours was a wise decision, but I have high hopes of surviving Sociological Theory with Dr. Death, and have since decided I will be applying for GRAD SCHOOL in the fall! That is reaaallly exciting and anxiety building at the same time!
3. In the past week alone, I have probably managed to consume at least 30 cupcakes...but who is counting? Hallie and Tiffany!!! We are starting a new type of punishment to end this cupcake consumption madness...I am trying to lose weight for my wedding, however...the cupcakes are destroying that hope.
4. I love the song How He loves Us - by David Crowder Band and Sugar Cane by Missy Higgins.
5. Facebook has become disgustingly evil. In the past couple weeks I have seen nasty comments about members of my family posted on other members of my families wall, awkward facebook status's, people getting involved in situations they know nothing about, but creep enough on facebook to think they do...and frankly it is really annoying. I mean whatever happened to REAL CONVERSATIONS?! Whatever happpened to face to face communication? I do not know about you, but this indirect slandering of family members is tacky. People butting in to situations they do not belong is tacky...and people posting all of their business on facebook is TACKY....
6. "Wedding planning" is a word that probably should be in my vocabulary, but it is not.
7. I will continue this at a later time.....
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