Gosh, What a wild ride it has been the past couple of weeks. I have to say how much happier I am now that school is out. I have time to cook my own dinner, keep my house spotless (at least when I want to), and still have time to work out, and I have even been reading a book for my OWN enjoyment!

I am reading "The Shack" by William Young, and despite the fact that I am unsure how theological it is...I really do not care. I think it paints a beautiful picture of God's love...well, once you get passed the first four chapters. They are hard to read, very sad.

I have been coming home each day to boxes on the porch from recent purchases for my wedding, and I become like a child on Christmas ripping open the boxes.Even though from the writing on the outside of the box I already know what is in the box! I just love it! Less than 3 months and I will be a Mrs. That is real exciting!! I am so blessed by beautiful people!

On a less positive note,on Sunday night Green Goodies, the bakery that I work at was pretty much deemed destroyed after the Hail storm. The store was a complete mess, and water covered 2 inches thick on the ground. The repairers are saying it will be at least three weeks before the store will be able to be back and running again. Please be praying for Green Goodies. I do not think people realize how important this little store is to me. Not only is it my place of work, but I now have a little family. The thought of being separated one day is seriously terrifying to me!! So please continue to pray for a speedy recovery and blessings to head Tiffany's way.


There is so much to update on here, but I feel like I will be writing a novel if I do...But for the last SEVEN weeks I have been eating the most delicious food. I have eliminated Gluten, Dairy, Soy, Sugar, Corn, Caffiene, and pretty much any processed food! I am now 20lbs lighter, and feeling amazing. My next goal is to be able to run a half marathon...I will be attemping a 5k in June so we wil see!

Growing up I was convinced that my life was going to turn into a fairy tale. A very distinct memory of my childhood brings me back to this fantasy. When I was about 7 years old I had gone to visit my biological Dad for the summer. At his home, he lived on a long dirt road that led to "Horseshoe Bend" which had a couple of trailers and a lake. My dad lived close to a lady who had a beautiful garden of sunflowers...Well me being the imaginative and lonely child that I was...had always wanted to run through a field of flowers, and pick them as I was running like I had seen in the movies....This was the first and only time in my life that I have ever attempted a stunt like this....I remember having tangled hair, overalls on, and the dirt that covered my feet as I ran arms opened wide pulling up everyone of the neighbor's sunflowers....To my amazement, it was nothing like the movies. Yes, it was really fun to pull them up as I ran, but it was not as glamorous as the movies. I didn't giggle the whole way, and the wind did not magically blow my hair whimsically, and that moment did not last as long it does in the movies. In a matter of 10 seconds I had ripped up all of this poor lady's sunflowers, it was not like a day long adventure that some movies portray....

Needless to say, this moment in my life is the moment that I realized how different life is from the movies...How different Life is from fairy tales...I honestly wonder, Why did I believe these silly stories? I can look back at this seemingly insignificant experience in my life and learn so much.

I am so discouraged this evening. I do not know when I became so sensitive,but I really am I just wish that I looked closer before I leaped. I always think that I am too cautious, but now I realize why. I have learned to trust my first instinct about people. If I don't feel comfortable around a person in the beginning it usually means something, and I am certain that I am done trying with this person. I have completely folded my hand. I have nothing left to play. There is nothing left to give, but to take my ante and move on...

Because Life is not like the movies. Life is not a fairy tale. There are not always happy endings and magical ever afters. Sometimes it is ugly. Sometimes it is messy, and sometimes It is just easier to take the loss...

Not to say this it isnt worth running through to sunflowers, to find out the truth...It's just that sometimes ideals and realities can be disappointing...

Forever and Always.

I can not believe how fast the days go by. It seems there is not enough time in the day to get everything done.

I pretty much have to admit that I want to be Taylor Swift's best friend. I mean it is a little creepy, but honestly the truth. I had a dream last night that I was at her concert backstage, and she text me...It is really funny, I think it is because her song's are set as my ringtone's and my phone rang a couple of times during my sleep...

But deep dark secret confession time, I have always known that I have pretty good writing skills, but I always wanted to learn to play the guitar and have an amazing singing voice, so I could get back at all of the ex boyfriends and crappy friends who hurt my feelings along the way.

Funny story, about six or seven years ago, I wrote this song about an ex boyfriend who will remain nameless for the sake of my pride, and my brother and sister can still sing the words to this day because I made them sing it with me all of the time. It was called, "You told me you loved me".....haha....I still remember the words I wrote too...

" You told me she was only a friend,
now you're kissing her again.
You told me you'd call,
the phone never rang...
You told me you'd be here when I got back,
and all that's left is the bed unmade.

You told me what you wouldn't do,
and now it's all been done.
You told me everything I wanted to hear...
You broke my heart,
You told me you loved me you loved me You told me you'd hold me forever..."

That is all I can remember of it----ohhh man.




I have been clutching the idea that Summer is so close, and that is what is has been getting me through the past month.

I feel like so much Hope lies in the Summer to come. I am so excited to be marrying my best friend. It seems so cliche to say that, but looking forward to waking up next to the one who sees me for who I am, and loves me regardless of my flaws. There is the hope for our future together, becoming one--having children---watching each other's dreams and plans unfold before our eyes...How exciting is this....

Lately, there have been some bumps in my road to happiness---but I am determined to stay positive, and let those relationships stay in the past. People are People, and sometimes it is better to have no expectations because your feelings can't be hurt. It is selfish to assume that everyone is as excited as me to be apart of my wedding, or spend time planning it...But it is not selfish to expect the friends you assume are always going to care the most to prove that. It is in the worst,dark, hardest times in your life and your most wonderful,joyful, happy times that you see who your Friends are... I see it now, and I am so blessed...I am letting the old friends go...Grateful for all that they have taught me, but now giving room for new people---new learning experiences, and so blessed by so many.

Quantity and Quality are two different words. Obviously, if given the choice, I would take the close friends I have today over the larger number of friends I had a year ago---

I made a list in the note application on my iphone of people I need to forgive, and have made a point to pray for them before I go to sleep...for a couple of people it is still hard for me to do anything but lift them up in prayer, but for some I have found that my heart has been softened, and the bitterness that was there is not as stagnant.


We will see what else is to come as the weeks unfold....

Wonderwall

Outside the sun is shining, the birds are chirping, and people are still moving forward in life. Their biggest worries become being late for work, finding time to clean house, and paying bills...Isn't strange how despite what is happening in your own life--the world outside you moves forward without stopping----leaving you standing stunned, heart-broken, and unable to move as people run laps around you once again showing you how quickly Life goes on...

Do you ever feel that you are going through something so tough, and find yourself annoyed by people who could care less or try to relate by comparing their problems to yours?

Lately, I hold resentment to the people I once was close to, who claim me as a friend but never make an effort to call, or check up on everything. Admittedly, I do not have the life I once had where girls nights happened once a week, and I could spend time with my friends anytime I wanted because frankly....there is NO extra time.

My week consists of 19 hours of School 5 days a week, 2 nights a week, work Tuesday-Saturday, constantly studying for a test or having to write a paper, and then trying to spend time with my sister, my family, and my fiance. After doing all of that there is no time...

But I feel as though things are different for me. I feel as if I am at a place in my life that few understand, and I can not begin to imagine how alone my sister must feel. I feel that when I talk to people about what is going on that they do not truly understand. I think the world has become desensitized to the word "cancer", or "bone marrow transplant" ---they know that it is a bad thing, but they do not see it for what it truly is. The statistics on a bone marrow transplant are that 1 out of 8 do not survive the transplant. To many that is a statistic, simply a number...but imagine if 1 of those 8 people was your baby sister, or your mother, or your husband. It becomes a little different.

Leaving the Bone Marrow Transplant ward today, I walked by another one of the patients in Laurann's ward, and I honestly wanted to just reach out my arms and give her a hug. Her bald head was shining in the florescent lights as a symbol that she is fighting, the mask around her mouth to protect her from infection, and you can see her beautiful eyes with a glimmer of hope for another day...She walked down the hallway carrying the machine she is attached to because TODAY she had enough strength to get out of bed and walk the 20 feet of hallway that these patients are confined to. For four weeks this hallway becomes your only escape from the small cubicle like room that is to become your home...

Having my sister in this position, I have begun to realize the importance of the small things...the moments in life that are so small, but so precious...
Because I am to remember that..."I am the flower quickly fading,here today and gone tomorrow,A wave tossed in the ocean,a vapor in the wind"....

Run

This is one of my favorite pictures of all time of my sister and I....

Lately, my heart has been extremely heavy and full of fear and worry for what is to come in my life. On top of trying to balance my busy schedule of work and school trying to find quality time to spend with my sister before her transplant has been next to impossible. Which has made me feel very empty inside, and really question my own motives---that if something were to happen to her, did I do the best I could to show her how much she is loved, and did I do my best to be there for her regardless of our disagreements and differences? My answer to myself is probably not all of the time, but finding margin in my life is a constant battle.

I wanted to write about my experience last night at the Freedom event at Lifechurch. I had asked Laurann to go with me a few nights ago, I just really felt like God was telling me, "Hollee, this is important...". Normally I am not as persistent about Laurann not bailing on me when we have plans, but I honestly don't think I would have given her a chance not to go....I think I would have just went in an physically carried her skinny little butt out to my car :). But she came willingly and off we went. I think it is crazy how Worship can bring you to your knees...I mean I could feel God's presence, and could barely muffle the words to the song because tears were streaming down my face. Laurann sat down during worship because I thought maybe she was feeling weak, but I looked down and noticed she too was crying....I thought that was awesome how we both felt God so strongly in that moment....I am not a touchy person, I am probably the last person to shell out hugs, even when I know someone needs them...It is not that I don't want too, but I always feel awkward...which is something I have been trying to work on...I wanted to bend down and pray with her, but I knew that nothing would come out but tears, so I just placed my hand on her shoulder, and began praying for her and thanking God for this moment...such a small moment in time, something Laurann might never think twice about, but me---this is one of those memories I will cherish forever. A moment where I felt complete peace with my relationship with my sister and hope for what was to come.

The message was something of great worth too--I think each of the four girls I went with and my mom probably all left with a different perspective on what freedom was to them...I have realized that I too, am far from being free, but I am determined to start walking in FAITH.... and remembering this verse..." Finally, brothers, whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is right, whatever is pure, whatever is lovely, whatever is admirable—if anything is excellent or praiseworthy—think about such things" Philippians 4:8...instead of focusing on fear, worry, negativity...I am going to try to focus on ONLY good and start rejecting all other negative Trash....this will be a hard battle that will require a lot of practice.

My family has been heavy on my heart with the transplant coming up on Tuesday...Sometime's I find myself getting angry at people who say they are "sick". Because I find myself comparing them to Laurann, and become frustrated by their lack of joy and gratefulness of good health. I think sometimes forget how blessed they truly are.

After the message last night, they called women leaders down to the front to pray, and my mom, sister, and I attempted to have a family prayer and have Amy pray over Laurann, but I think because of Laurann's bald head we were bombarded by strangers reaching out their hands to pray with us! I was so excited! and so moved by God's goodness!!! Then I started to see familiar faces crowd us too and was greeted with warm words and hugs and encouragement, and when we left I could totally feel that God had moved in our lives.

I remember two years ago when I found out the first time about Laurann having cancer, I was driving home from the hospital alone, and the song Run- by Snow Patrol came on my ipod, and I remember I just started screaming....as crazy at that was, I guess it was the only way for me to express all of the chaos that had just spun into our life....

So here we are again, on a different journey, praying, and having faith that God will provide healing and peace for all of us.

The fish and the minnow....

Do you ever feel like you are literally watching life pass you by? Lately, I have been feeling like I am trapped. To best describe my life, I am the sick little girl watching all of her friends jump rope from the window because my mom says, "I am too sick to play. outside.." Only this is not really my reality--- because one, I am not sick, and two, my mom does not make rules for me anymore. I just totally feel the weight of the world weighing on my shoulders, and feel like there is no one to lift the weight. In the past couple of months I have been taking 19 hours of school, working 20 hours, trying to plan a wedding, trying to be a friend--mostly failing miserably...trying to be a sister---again mostly failing, and trying to force myself to crawl out of bed each morning.

I think sometimes in trying to explain how you are feeling about things, people only genuinely relate if they are going through the exact same thing at the exact same time.

Maybe I am good at expressing things that upset me, and mostly I wear my emotions on my sleeve, but at the same time my mind is always churning--and thinking about all that lies before me, and all that is yet to be done...

This makes me question, why is it so hard for me to just enjoy the moment I am in? Lately, I honestly wish (selfishly), that I did not have so much going on in my life. Not only am I so disgusted by the fact that my sister has to endure "Cancer" again, but (selfishly) wish that it were any other time besides the year I am supposed to be getting married. I wish that I had paid closure attention to friendships I have invested myself in lately and been more cautious, and I honestly wish that I was more like the person I was two years ago...

Two years ago, I would have chosen a beer over doing my homework or stressing about a test, Two years ago, I would chose to spend time with my best friends over sleeping. Two years ago, I would have found the time to paint my toenails. Two years ago, I would have never thought twice about having more than one drink and driving my car. Two years ago, I was obviously more immature, but I was not such a stick with an inability to just sit, relax, and have fun.

When did everything change?

The word Fun seems completely stripped of my vocabulary. I see alot of stress and work ahead of me....

I feel like it is just storming in my life, and I am outside without an umbrella....
I miss my old best friend.
I miss when life wasnt stressful.
I miss when I had more fun.

Rain...

Dear Friend,



It is crazy how time flies and someone you once knew so very well, becomes such a stranger to you. At some point in our relationship I knew everything about you, and at some point we lost each other. For the past couple of years due to choices out of my control, I have felt completely helpless. I have watched you self destruct in more ways than one, but even in my frustration I have always loved you. There were times in our relationship where emotionally I was unable to handle where you were in your life, but that does not mean that I never stopped caring, or never stopped loving you. In our friendship, I have always been the old soul, and you have always been the free spirit. It seems at times you were never affected by pain, heartache, or trails. You were always so resilient, and when an obstacle was thrown your way,you were leaping through hurdles and always completed the challenge. Myself on the other hand, when wounded it takes me trial and error, and missed leap after missed leap to finally get over the pain. In some ways we are so different, it really makes no sense how we get along. But something I know for a fact, is that I love you all of the time..There have been many times I have asked myself, "What have you ever done for me?", and the truth is....not very much...But the things I have learned from you are gifts that I will continually cherish. And a relationship is not about who gives what, it is about love and compassion. Two words that at times seem hard to find when dealing with some of our situations. Sometimes I wonder how you got to be the person you are today, you are so very different from the person I spent so much time laughing with, crying with, and occasionally "fist" fighting with. I often wish, that there was a rewind button, and I could stop certain events in your life, so that you would have a clear view to see the choice you were about to make, and how it would affect everyone around you. I always think that surely you would make the less selfish decision, and chose to be the friend I once knew. I was asked to make a choice with you, the choice to accept the person you are today, or leave. And I left. That does not mean I will not always be here ALL hours of the day to come running full speed by your side if you need something, and yes, part of true love is loving the person where they are....But at some point, a person becomes exhausted watching and knowing there is nothing I can say or do to you to show you that you DESERVE better, you are WORTH so much more, and despite what you have been told that no one could love you after what you have been through...I feel like God is preparing a person of great worth for you. Growing up, I always knew you would be the first one to be married, and have children. But the man I envisioned your husband, was someone far different. I have made the decision, that I will not just accept things you ask of me so you can act like there are no problems. And if that means that you no longer want me around...I accept that. I will gladly wait from afar until the time comes that you realize that nothing I do is to hurt you. In the end, I feel like the dreams we have had for ourselves, and each other just scattered...and here we are two wounded friends, two wounded sisters....neither wants to give....neither thinks the other side is right, and there is really no solution except God and time. Please know that even though I am not with you, I am always here for support, and I will always be here.

Samson

Right now...I want to be anywhere but here...

"Here"---meaning, in this state, in this mindset, in this location, in this feeling, in this room, in Oklahoma, in school, working, awake, not thinking, responsible... If you fill in the blank, they are all the correct choice.



I feel a serious tug in my heart, pulling me towards something new...something different...just not really sure what that something different is...

Part of me wants to fill my gas tank up, drive until I run out......and stay there.

Surrender...

I can not tell you how many times I have began writing on here, but end up completely erasing what I have typed...I have a message, and I have just been struggling to get it out....

I am listening to the song by JJ Heller- Your Hands...

This song honestly brings tears to my eyes. This has been happening alot lately. In an instant my eyes will fill with tears by a simple comment on some one's facebook, or a song playing on the radio as I drive from one place to another. Mostly it is because I am in the middle of a brutal war, a war where there is no winner..

It all started in October when the news that my family heard was Devastating..."The Cancer is back.." I feel that I have been swept up in a tornado of hurt and am spinning restlessly until someone is willing to give. Despite everything that has gone on in the past, here lies a beautiful nineteen year old woman who is facing cancer for the SECOND time..For those who are not around or involved, I would like you to have an insight into what it is like to be a family member of someone who is facing this illness. It is ugly. It is hard, and it is devastating. This Saturday I answered the phone to my sister in tears because she had to buzz her hair for the SECOND time in her life...Trying to find the strength in myself to not break down and reassure her of her beauty was very hard. If I were given the choice, I would love to rip that pain away from her. I do not know about you, but I find great security in my hair, and can not imagine what it would feel like to run my fingers through my hair to find clumps of my hair in my fingers...Not only that, but you are then faced with putting on a smile, and facing the world. My brother, sister, and I went to lunch today, and it broke my heart to see the insecurity my beautiful sister felt walking into a restaurant feeling all eyes on her pretty bald head. I was reading her caringbridge a few days ago, and broke into tears once again because of something a family friend said...She told Laurann that her little bald head was a symbol to all the world that she is fighting...I think we want to glamorize this by saying she is fighting, but many do not understand what this entails....not only is she physically fighting, but she is mentally fighting...

This trauma has caused great division among all sides of our family, when this is something that should cause people to be moved...moved closer to one another, because this is proof that life is short, and we are not always guaranteed tomorrow to fix things. I would encourage all who read my blog to really question themselves, is the battle over the past worth losing what little time we have together in the future?
I have the constant question in the back of my mind...Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion?

I think the biggest problem with divorce is that it is impossible to completely cut each other off when children are involved...I think it is disgusting how parents deny their children things in order to hurt another parent....I think it is disgusting to hear slander about either side...Do you realize when you say something negative about one parent, you are ultimately telling your children that part of their own being is something negative....

This battle is not about choosing sides...This battle is about surrendering....This battle needs to end. I have seen enough facebook slandering, enough of people deleted off of facebook, enough unkind words, and enough devastation...Haven't we all? Is all of this worth losing each other? Family is one of the most important gifts God has given us, and I am constantly praying for this battle to end.


I am praying for peace, I am praying for wisdom, and I have faith that God will restore all of this emptiness and hurt for many. I ask that you pray too....

2010

Top 10 worth mentioning events since 2010 began.....

1. I have recently discovered the most addicting show...DEXTER...after a bittersweet battle I have made the decision to eliminate cable, and invest in a much cheaper form of entertainment known as NETFLIX...Hopefully now I will save money and get some of my much needed homework done before-hand instead of procrastinating...only I will be sad I will miss the exciting trashy lives of the Jersey Shore...luckily for me I still have internet so I can keep up with my terrible addictions of Teen Mom and the fist pumping Jersey Shore online...Back to Dexter... LOVE LOVE LOVE this show. I am obsessed with Crime TV...however, it is really unhealthy for me because it causes me to think I am always going to be victimized...but who cares if I am that weirdo in the parking lot holding my keys like a weapon...I gotta have Law and Order SVU...

2. School started on Monday, and I am not sure when I decided taking 19 hours was a wise decision, but I have high hopes of surviving Sociological Theory with Dr. Death, and have since decided I will be applying for GRAD SCHOOL in the fall! That is reaaallly exciting and anxiety building at the same time!

3. In the past week alone, I have probably managed to consume at least 30 cupcakes...but who is counting? Hallie and Tiffany!!! We are starting a new type of punishment to end this cupcake consumption madness...I am trying to lose weight for my wedding, however...the cupcakes are destroying that hope.

4. I love the song How He loves Us - by David Crowder Band and Sugar Cane by Missy Higgins.

5. Facebook has become disgustingly evil. In the past couple weeks I have seen nasty comments about members of my family posted on other members of my families wall, awkward facebook status's, people getting involved in situations they know nothing about, but creep enough on facebook to think they do...and frankly it is really annoying. I mean whatever happened to REAL CONVERSATIONS?! Whatever happpened to face to face communication? I do not know about you, but this indirect slandering of family members is tacky. People butting in to situations they do not belong is tacky...and people posting all of their business on facebook is TACKY....

6. "Wedding planning" is a word that probably should be in my vocabulary, but it is not.

7. I will continue this at a later time.....

Slow dancing in a Burning Room....

The feeling of a broken heart is the most excruciating pain. It is almost like if you listen closely you can hear it cracking inside of your chest. If you sit still long enough it becomes obvious the only functional part of your body is your lungs. When your heart is broken, it seems the only plausible action is to keep breathing... At this moment in my life I have never felt more isolated or alone. I feel like I have failed at something bigger and more important than any task I have had laid before me. Not only do I feel separation in my heart from family, I now feel it from someone I hold very dear to me. There is always the saying, "When it rains it pours...." that saying hits so close to home today...
For most of my life, I have in some way been surrounded by addictions and abandonment. Losing my biological father to alcoholism in 2008 has effected me in many ways. I now know the importance of quality relationships and am left with the constant feeling of loss haunting the back of my mind. There is always the "What if's..." and all of the precious moments he will now miss..
I feel today that the "What if's" are going to get the best of me, I keep thinking to myself..."What if, i have it all wrong and this is all just a dream that I will soon wake up from?" ....only to pinch myself and realize that this is my reality.
I feel like the advances and battles in life are meant to make us stronger, but why in the moment am i so weak? Why is the battle for control more important than the battle for compassion? Why is pride so hard to swallow in peacemaking? Why is love not enough to fix all of the problems faced in a relationship?
It takes so much to keep the tears inside of me, but all of a sudden like an eruption they are streaming down my face, and I am left updating a blog because I can only find comfort in typing my thoughts instead of expressing them to people who just make me feel more isolated.
At this moment, I am angry at God. I am very certain of his plan for my life, but I can not help to feel very distraught about the path he is leading me down. I am reminded of the song by Jenny Owens...that God never said it would be easy...he just said I would never be alone...that is a thought that is comforting.

At this very moment I feel the urge to stand up and just scream at the top of my lungs until i can no longer scream. I hate the feeling of being vulnerable...knowing that someone holds your heart in their hand, and in an instant with one sudden movement it can become demolished.

The only solution I have for myself is to pick my feet up from the ground one step at a time, and pray that my lungs don't give out like my heart. Breathing is the only thing that I know at the moment. My brain and heart are colliding with thoughts and emotions that my body can no longer handle....

I guess this is where i leave my thoughts because they are starting to become entangled again with my heart and at this moment I am just waiting for the next explosion of tears.